Tuesday, January 3, 2012

identity...

these days being a MOM is who and how i am categorized as. i'm not annie, i'm not billy's wife, i'm no longer an emplyee, i'm cullen's mom.  i feel like my identity has changed so much in the past year that i can hardly keep up. sometimes i struggle with this.

my life as a "stay at home mom" isn't all glitter and gold.  i've recently started watching another baby, she is 6 months old.  i never thought i'd be be a stay at home nor an at home mom watching someone else's baby. i'm very thankful to be able to spend my days with cullen though and i wouldn't change it!

my identity went from billy's girlfriend, to fiance, to wife, to the prego, to cullen's momma, to at stay at home mom, to a stay at home mom who is also caring for another baby.  on top of doing everything else around the house....all those changes happened within a year and a half.  i loved every step along the way.

i worked at the same job, a law firm, for 9 years.  i liked my job.  i never called in "sick", i actually didn't mind waking up and going to work.  i enjoyed the people i worked with and just my job in general.  btw, that job is where i got into blogging!  anytime i happened to have free time or a break i would read blogs and comment like no other ;)  i LOVED reading blogs. i was able to develop a lot of friendships through blogging. these days i turn to my favorite blog friend before i even do my "real life" friends.  sometimes it's just easier that way, she doesn't judge and if we ever got to actually hang out you'd find us with a bottle of vodka, probably watching trash tv. haha!!

i read blogs for about a year before i started my own and once billy and i were engaged i decided to start my own.  that was a whole new chapter in my life, one i would be enjoying with another and spending my life with and it was the perfect time to start my own blog. never did i think anyone would read it.

we've had our ups and downs just like any other couple.  i'm sure i've blogged about some of them. life isn't all peaches and cream.  life is real, it's hard and difficult and blissful and full of love all at the same time.  every day is different, at least for me, no matter what. i'm grateful i have cullen's sweet face to looke at, he is my sunshine and i couldn't imagine my life without him.  nor could i imagine my life without cullen's daddy, billy has stood by me always.

i gave up a job that i really enjoyed after 9 years for the next and best chapter of my life, to be an at home momma to our CULLEN.  he is my life. my whole life. i haven't been away from cullen for more than 5 hours and that was only because my kidneys were failing me.  had there been an open hospital room i would have been away from him much longer....everything happens for a reason.

life is so incredibly different these days.  i knew i was giving up a lot yet gaining a lot by being a stay at home mom but i don't think there is anything that can prepare you for it.  i have been a full time working gal since i was 16, a lot of the time working more than one job and always babysitting in my free time.  i have always worked and made money and have always had pretty much anything i felt i needed.  not too the extreme though, i don't buy much name brand clothes, shoes, purses or makeup.  i have always been a bargain shopper, target was my favorite place to shop.  i knew staying at home i'd have to give up any and all of my shopping habits, including my guilty pleasure, TARGET!   i haven't been to target in over a month! i used to go 2-3 times a week. looking back i wish i would've stayed out of that place ;)  can't believe how much money we would have saved.  life is a lot different going from two salaries to owning your own business.

things have gone differently than planned but tell god you planned your life and he'd probably just laugh ;)  billy has new clients all the time and an awesome following of people who love what he does and who believe in him. makes my heart happy, my husband has a following of people who believe in what he does, how awesome is that?! i'm a proud wife.  billy is an entrepreneur and he is determined to make it.  he is always coming up with new and better ideas on how to run the business.  i love his dedication to work and to making things work.

life is different but it is still good great  i miss billy a lot of the time, i wish he were home more with our culley, i miss having a job some days, i miss being a "professional".....BUT the bottom line is, I AM CULLEN'S MOM, a professional momma :)  and i feel i deserve this position in life and it is the best thing ever.  it is hard on B and I.  especially since he works so much and we usually don't talk during the day.  but it's what we decided TOGETHER. you never know what life will bring, negative or positive.  you must take each day as it is given to you :)

i think this post probably bounced all over the place but i didn't type it all at once and my thoughts are always all over the place!  ha!

28 comments:

Shannon Dew said...

Good for you! I say this is the toughest job out there and one we are priviledged to have. We are mamas above all else and that's the greatest.

undomestic chica said...

Girl, I get it! To go from not being pregnant to pregnant to a mom in such a short amount of time is crazy! But I'm with you, it's sooo worth it. I hope 2012 brings you guys even more happiness than last year did.

KLaw said...

hardest job in the world. truth! you are doing amazing things. so worth it!

Kerry said...

its definitely worth it! i cant wait until my time comes! x

DreamTNM said...

Thanks for sharing such an honest post. I feel the same, the back and forth but in the end all i think about is that im a mom, and i love that too. its a lot of adjusting. now that im a mom i have such a new respect for all moms out there.

The Rest is Still Unwritten said...

It can definitely be tough at times. I have enjoyed staying home but honestly, today I feel like I could use a break. I am never away from her and I don't feel like others could do the same job I do caring for her. I actually just did my post for tomorrow and considered posting about that exact thing. Some days can be so tough but honestly, I wouldn't change it. The thought of someone else caring for my baby girl for that amount of time breaks my heart.

Breann said...

I know where you are coming from. I feel that way sometimes too, even though I still work full time. It's hard to go through so many roles and still remember who YOU are. I recently started a "me" program to bring me back to earth. New hair, new clothes, etc... something to make me feel like I am one person.
But yes, being a mom, so awesome.

Sweet_Southern_Comfort said...

Being a mom is so rewarding- there's nothing like it! I wish I could stay home with my 4 month old son, but we depend on my income..boo :( I know it would be hard to go from a working girl to a stay at home mama, though. Maybe you could go out to a local YMCA or Little Gym and do a "Mommy & Me" class once a week to meet new mamas just like you. I wish I could do that with Lucas but with my schedule as a teacher, I'll have to wait until the summer.

Aly @ Analyze This said...

Yes, Annie you ARE Cullen's Mom! A great Mom in fact!! :)

Give C some big hugs!!

Allie said...

I loved this Annie and I Totally agree with everything you said! Its so crazy the whirlwind mommas get thrown through but being a momma is the best! I know I struggled a lot finding myself and when we moved to a new towwn where I knew NO ONE and has 2 little ones I was overwhelmed, thankfully I met other mommas like me and that really helped me to be even MORE okay with my new momma idenity! We also can all relate to eachother and be honest and open about how hard being a mom is haha

Quinn said...

Judging by Cullen's constant smile...i'd say you are a fabulous Momma!!!

Elaine said...

Know there are lots of Momma's out there that can relate. It is the most rewarding and most difficult job ever. Some days are fabulous and some are troubling/tiring, and leave you yearning for a day at the office, yet we wouldn't change the decisions we've made as a family for anything. I'm right there with ya girl! Happy New Year to your sweet family :)

Jenn said...

I respect you for doing it. Your still the lovely Annie, just with additions :)

Aishlea and Brandon said...

I still have to work, but I have the same identity problem. I sometimes feel like aishlea has disappeared somewhere. But I have never, ever been this happy or loved this much since Cohen came into our world! :) I know that you are an amazing mommy!!

Mandy said...

Thanks for sharing your struggles with us...this is definitely something we can all relate too! Once my first daughter was about a year I finally felt like I was getting a bit of my identity back. Of course then a few months later I decided to get pregnant with #2, haha. But you are definitely not alone in this

Baby Momma said...

Your honesty is amazing. I'm sure everyday has extreme joys and also some down times too. As a gal who is totally self invovlved about to become a new Momma this Spring, I'm always excited when ppl will tell it like it is. I've heard from everyone that Motherhood is the BEST thing that's ever happened to them, and I believe it, but it's got it's hard times too!

Megan said...

You're an amazing Momma and a wonderful person Annie! I am so happy that no matter what life has thrown towards you and Billy you guys take it by the reigns and deal with it head on.

Meagan said...

Love this post! I've been thinking about you lately. I have no idea how you are taking care of 2 babies! Have you and Billy had a date night?

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

You had me at vokda. :)

Married...with a Pup said...

Aww, love this post! I can't even imagine how much life changes with a child! You and your husband are so blessed to have your little boy!

Kristine said...

HI annie! I just found your blog and I think it's amazing you could go through all those transitions with a positive attitude. It's not easy

Happy New year and I'm looking forward to reading more from you!!

PattyAnn said...

Ahh, so many of us can relate! It is hard, no doubt. But this time will pass and you'll be writing about that time you were a stay at home mama taking care of two babies! By the way, who's your friend? She sounds awesome! ;)

xoxoxo

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Sometimes you have to say goodbye to your old live to really enjoy what's coming. It sounds like you have! yay!

Lori said...

Oh Annie, this post is so well said! You are such a great Momma to Cullen, and you can tell he just ADORES you!! The way he holds your finger to fall asleep just melts my heart!!!

As a SAHM I truly love the minute my hubby comes home. It is amazing to be home with the baby but when your spouse comes home it makes everything so much sweeter. I totally understand what you mean. My hubby has had to take business trips that keep him away overnight and I hate it. Savannah is at the age now where she does really miss him, and it breaks my heart. Life is so amazing, but not always easy. Thinking of you sweet girl!!!

Annie Berndt said...

Okay. This post is just AWESOME. Thank you for your honesty in sharing this! As you know I just started the SAHM thing and you've put my conflicting thoughts into words. It's not always peaches and cream, but it's so worth it. Love this Annie :)

Dana said...

I can really relate to this!!! Awesome post! It ain't always easy, but its very much worth it. And I applaud you for taking on watching another baby, that in itself is no easy task lol! I still wonder how I survive each day with 6 month old twins and a 4 yr old :) You are such a great mama!!

Burgmanyibb said...

I loved this Annie and I Totally agree with everything you said! Its so crazy the whirlwind mommas get thrown through but being a momma is the best! I know I struggled a lot finding myself and when we moved to a new towwn where I knew NO ONE and has 2 little ones I was overwhelmed, thankfully I met other mommas like me and that really helped me to be even MORE okay with my new momma idenity! We also can all relate to eachother and be honest and open about how hard being a mom is haha

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